Lately I have felt an almost overwhelming disconnect from my inner being. You know the part of you that confronts you with desires and gives you that inner compass as to where you believe your life path should be leading you. I think that law school (for me anyway) has had a side effect of creating a disconnect from that compass. Being surrounded by the heightened demands to constantly absorb an ever-increasing wealth of information, having the continual pressure from peers and other close relations to achieve some preconceived stereotype of a profession — those two things alone are daunting. I believe those two forces (as well as many more) cause more of an outward-looking perspective. They cause the focus of life to be based in external expectations.
Some difficult questions have been launched at me lately, although perhaps they should not be so difficult. “What do you want to practice?” “Where do you want to live” “Where are you going to take the BAR Exam?” “What are you going to do with the rest of your life?” These questions and so many more give me the heeby-jeebies. Why? you may ask. In the main — because I don’t know the answer to any of them. At least not definitively.
These questions though cause me to lose perspective. I think they gloss over what might be more important. At the moment I am of the persuasion that because I do not know the answers to these questions I need to be paying closer attention to what my heart is telling me. I suppose this is in an effort to expose the answers to those questions. I have been reading various books lately that have drawn me to a sort of theory I am formulating. Pay attention to your “instincts” or your “soul” or your “heart” and things will turn out all right in the end. Okay, so even that is a little bit ephemeral for my liking; I generally prefer my theories to be more concrete and easier to follow as most guidelines are. What I am thinking though is that paying attention to my inner compass is more of a way of living instead of a guideline to how to live. Subtle distinction, but an important one I think.
Here’s a for instance — I have a couple major things coming up that I am really concerned about succeeding at. The more I fear something, the more I tend to hide from it and become inactive instead of proactive. My dreams lately have been providing a window to my “inner compass”. I know, I talk about dreams a lot. I can’t help it, I have a lot of them. The thing is, if I pay attention to them the way I should be, they are providing insight into what my subconscious really wants and what I know is a possibility if I can only make it happen. My dreams have been telling me to “go for it” and STOP HIDING… in a nutshell. I am starting to think that these “search(es) to find oneself” or to “find happiness” are fruitless. I am beginning to believe that if we would pay attention, we already know what would make us happy. We have something in us that is already programmed to understand what in this world would make us fulfilled. Happiness is fleeting, fulfillment is more desirable I think.
This is really scattered, so if you’re still holding out for something concrete, you may be disappointed. Right now I am just tugging at the corners of my brain where this little theory has hatched. Its not coherent, I know. But it has already caused a couple of changes in my life. Instead of listening to my pragmatic side that insists I forego simple pleasures, I listened to my inner compass and bought a cat. His name is Mr. Darcy, and he has already added so much more depth to my life. I was becoming so one-dimensional, or self-centered if you will, by only having myself to look after. True, I am a student who travels and I’m not sure where I’ll end up, but I think those reasons are ultimately quashed by the overwhelming need I had to enhance my sense of responsibility to this world. By the way, I’ll put a picture of Mr. Darcy up soon. Side note: I will also not be a proverbial “cat lady”; Mr. Darcy and I will have a more sophisticated relationship than that 🙂
Another small difference that listening to my inner compass has caused, but a significant one, is listening to my body’s needs. Such as food and exercise — Americans have an amazing tendency towards gluttony and sloth. I am included in that category. In the week that I have been practicing this internalization I have dramatically reduced the amount of food I consume in a day and I have also increased my amount of exercise. I don’t just eat because its “time” to, I eat because my body needs nourishment. I don’t just exercise because I’m supposed to, I do it because my body craves the stimulation. That may not make a lot of sense, or at least it may seem like splitting hairs, but in my life it is already making a difference.
In any case, this is all just food for thought. I am on a quest to romance my soul and unlock the secrets that are kept there. I think it will be a much more fascinating journey than buying self-help books that tell me what other people believe the standard of “normal” is, or what it means to “achieve my potential”! At this point in my life, it seems silly to rely on anyone else’s definition of normal (so long as I stay within the bounds of what is universally agreed upon as legal behavior…had to add that, I’m a future lawyer dontcha know!).
Sagacious Student 